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2016-10-12
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HA-HA Piss Off!Tsing Tao tempura Mantis shrimp, ginger salt, sweet shrimp paste mayonnaise, scallion and chilli slaw, CiabattaHK$109I was definitely excited to try The Ultimate Sandwich entry from Bread & Beast for a number of reasons. First, it’s a place that primarily does sandwiches, and I was more or less expecting that such a place would win. Second, their entry was by far the most distinctive. Out of the eight sandwiches competing, six had beef or steak of some sort, and the other was a po
Rules: I just made up these rules, but I abided by them throughout the contest. Rule #1: Only one sandwich can be crowned The Ultimate Sandwich, and it must be one of the eight entrants. While Crave magazine is giving the award based on sales, my award is completely subjective, based on my own opinion. Rule #2: I must eat the sandwich exactly the way the restaurant serves it, with no additions or subtractions (unless they’re explicitly offered as a choice point): no sauces from the table, no salt, no pepper, nothing. Rule #3: Only The Ultimate Sandwich deserves a smiley-face review. If a restaurant pretends it has The Ultimate Sandwich, but then just has a regular old sandwich, then that restaurant is ipso facto only OK at best, and perhaps frowny-face at worst.]
HA-HA Piss Off!
Tsing Tao tempura Mantis shrimp, ginger salt, sweet shrimp paste mayonnaise, scallion and chilli slaw, Ciabatta
HK$109
I was definitely excited to try The Ultimate Sandwich entry from Bread & Beast for a number of reasons. First, it’s a place that primarily does sandwiches, and I was more or less expecting that such a place would win. Second, their entry was by far the most distinctive. Out of the eight sandwiches competing, six had beef or steak of some sort, and the other was a pork dip sandwich that was an homage to the French dip, which is also a beef sandwich. Finally, the picture of the sandwich was used as the promotional picture for the contest itself; that seemed like the kind of sandwich confidence needed from a winner.
We all know that the pictures McDonald’s uses in its advertisements don’t actually look like the burgers they sell. Of course, just because something is widely known doesn’t mean it’s right, and just because someone can legally get away with wildly misrepresenting their products doesn’t mean they’re morally allowed to do so. One thing you can say on McDonald’s behalf, at least, is that in broad, qualitative terms, the pictures are accurate. By ‘broad qualitative terms’ I mean the stuff in the picture is what’s on the burger, and when it says it’s made out of beef, it is.
Let’s consider the HA HA Piss Off! in broad qualitative terms by looking at the promotional poster. (You can find a better version of this same image by googling the Ultimate Sandwich Competition, but as I don’t hold the rights to any such image, I’m making due with this one.) The first thing you notice is plentiful, plump, fried mantis shrimp. It’s noticeably mantis-shrimp-shaped: broad and flat with a gentle curve, rather than narrow with a tight curl like shrimp. Second thing is that it’s colorful: tons of bright green shredded scallions, some sliced red chilis are on top, and it sits on an overflowing bed of what might be cabbage, though nothing in the sandwich description really fits.
Next, let’s think about the sandwich’s concept. Fried seafood + carby thing + mayonnaise-y thing is a classic dish. To return again to McDonald’s, the fish sandwich is one of the best things on the menu. It’s just a fried fish patty (Alaska Pollock, according to Wikipedia), with the Mickey D’s version of tartar sauce, on a plain bun. It’s mildly gross and sad, while also still being surprisingly alright. Then there’s one of my favorite meals of all time, the beer-battered fish taco, with cabbage slaw on a tortilla. So you can make this concept work, easily. Indeed, according to Bread & Beast’s serving-newspaper, “a great sandwich is a great meal between two slices of bread.” Fried seafood and coleslaw is a great meal (when done right), and putting it on good bread just amps the carby goodness.
Alright, now let’s take a look at the sandwich. I didn’t rearrange or alter the sandwich in any way, I just opened it. The first thing you notice now is of course that it’s nothing like the photo, and not even in the same qualitative ballpark. The scallion chilli slaw is non-existent: no scallions, no sliced chilies. Second, the seafood is neither plump nor plentiful: about half of the sandwich has none. Does that look like a great meal between two pieces of bread? Finally, will you just look at the seafood for a minute? I’ve peeled off the breading:
Is that a mantis shrimp? It looks an awful lot like a shrimp shrimp. Those aren’t the same things, for instance, shrimp are more closely related to crabs than mantis shrimp. The mantis shrimp I know are wide and flat and not super curly: like the objects in the promotional picture. This just looks like plain shrimp. I’m not sure that it’s not mantis shrimp, but nothing in appearance, taste, texture, shape, and so on suggested it was so.
Let’s talk about taste. As I said, it’s hard to make something terrible out of this. McDonald’s does fine with the filet-o-fish, for instance. The bread is nice for this: it is light and crisp. The cabbage (?) slaw is fine, a little bit of sweetness, not too mayonnaise-y, perhaps lacking a vinegar-y tanginess. The shrimp (?) are few and far between, so only about half the bites are going to be that. They don’t look as crispy as in the picture, they seem to have been pre-sauced with some sauce, likely the “sweet shrimp paste mayonnaise.” If you’ll notice, there are some brown saucy bits on the bread exactly where the shrimp are. I think the shrimp are dunked in a sauce before being put on, like sweet-and-sour shrimp. That’s a thing, but again it’s not the thing in the picture, and it makes the fried stuff soggier. Half the time you’re eating a coleslaw sandwich; the rest is alright, but it’s not better than a fish taco, or fish and chips, or most incarnations of fried seafood.Finally, let’s talk about the sandwich with an eye to the competition. Unfortunately, the official Ultimate Sandwich Competition is decided by total number of units sold. Unscrupulous vendors will of course use the competition to get traffic in the door, use misleading advertising to encourage purchases, and deliver a half-hearted, sad-looking, ingredient-missing disaster. That’s what’s gone on here. Indeed, Foodie magazine ate a fake, misleading version of this sandwich at a media event, and named it #2 in their taste-test, whereas it comes in last among the sandwiches I had. Thus Bread and Beast was using both Crave and Foodie to unwittingly spread misinformation about their sandwich to drum up business. I will really be sad if they “win” the official competition, because people get tricked into buying this, thinking it’s something it’s not.
I have completely lost respect for this establishment. If this is their “Ultimate” sandwich, are their other sandwiches missing even more ingredients and even more falsely portrayed? One must assume so. I’m certainly not coming back—I couldn’t even convince my wife to come here this time, after our last only-OK experience, and now I can’t imagine convincing myself to come back, even if someone started a super-duper-double-no-takebacks Ultimate Sandwich Competition. I’m putting it last on my rankings, below even the sandwich that didn’t show up. At least I still respect Posto Pubblico.
Out of the first four competitors, only one shop, Knead, seemed like they were even making an effort to win this competition. I knew the HK sandwich scene was dire, but at this point, the competition was weighing on my soul. Luckily, there was some really good sandwiches to be had among the second half of the entrants.
(Highly Unofficial) Ultimate Sandwich Competition Results:
1. ***WINNER*** Bulgogi Roast Beef Sandwich – Jinjuu
2. Steak in Knead – Knead
3. Ultimate Smoked Pastrami & Cheese – Morty’s Delicatessen
4. Beef Bourguignon Banh Mi - Mrs. Pound
5. The Gentleman’s Sandwich – Beef & Liberty
6. Shanghai Dip – Second Draft
7. [Did not show] – Posto Pubblico
8. HA HA Piss Off! – Bread & Beast
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